Nice Enough?

Hello Men,

 

Another good man bit the dust this week guys, and while the media is living it up on the wreckage his life is right now, we all need to stop and see where our own habits are leading us, then ask ourselves what kind of life is it that we want to live.

I have used this space in the past to encourage you, as a man, to step up, to speak up, show up. To stop beating around the "nice" bush and step into your life as it was meant to be. This week I read this put another way by, of course, a woman. It was a blog coming from Donald Miller's storyline website, which, by the way, if you haven't checked out yet, I urge you to do so posthaste.

In this blog, she relates that people knew her as "nice" in high school and for the ten years afterwards at which point a classmate related an incident where the classmate tripped on the stairs and the author's friends laughed at her, while the author stood by and did nothing.

That led to this excerpt from her blog:

 

But now, as I thought through the past ten years of my life, I realized being "nice" wasn't doing for me what I wanted it to do.

Being "nice" was preventing me from saying what I thought about things.

It prevented me from telling my friends that I thought laughing at someone for tripping on the stairs was rude (for fear of being too harsh or judgmental) and prevented me from telling the girl who tripped that I knew how she felt. I'd been laughed at, too.

I wouldn't want that girl to feel like I was singling her out, or overstepping my bounds.

I wouldn't want my friends to feel like I was rejecting them.

It prevented me, years later, from expressing political opinions or theological opinions or even opinions about where I wanted to eat dinner — which in turn prevented me from having authentic, meaningful relationships with people. In some cases, friends would beg me to say what I thought, but instead of being honest, I would mimic those around me, and then (of course) feel invisible.

When you can't tell the truth about yourself, you cease to exist as a person.

Being "nice" kept me from doing what I was made to do.

Trying to manage my "nice girl" image kept me trapped, working to control other's opinions of me, rather than doing what I knew was right. I couldn't send an e-mail or even a tweet without hours of deliberation. I stayed on the margins of my life, scared to get into the thick of things, terrified that I was going to hurt someone, or offend someone, or mess everything up.

I avoided jobs I wanted, parties I wished I could attend, and friendships I longed for, with the excuse that they could be the wrong job, wrong party, wrong relationship, or that I would make a mess of them.

If I didn't do anything, I couldn't do anything wrong. Right?

I'm starting to see how doing nothing is sometimes the worst thing you can do.

 

 

 

Well put, my friend, well put. That's not all. In my encouragement for men to step up, I have been accused of being a jerk and asking other men to be jerks. Well, maybe I have, but that's not my intention. This blog author addresses this by pointing out the difference between being nice and being kind:

 

For some, the words might be interchangeable. But for me, it helps to make a distinction.

.    Niceness stays quiet. Kindness speaks up.

.    Niceness is toxic. Kindness is healing.

.    Niceness lies to keep the peace. Kindness knows the only way to make peace is to tell the truth.

Niceness holds back. Kindness moves forward with humility, gentleness and grace.

 

 

Two great truths.

When you can't tell the truth about yourself, you cease to exist as a person. (you are, at this point, a minion for the fallen voices of this world)

Kindness knows the only way to make peace is to tell the truth.

 

What courage and faith is needed to live like that.

 

I can promise you men, you will get a chance to lie about yourself before the day is out. You will get a chance to tell the truth in a sticky situation before the weekend is over. You will get a chance to be courageous on behalf of someone else before a week goes by. Take that as an opportunity from God to step up and show His kindness flowing through you. It will be a feeling you will want more of.

 

Here's to courageous kindness transforming the world around you.

 

Your Brother

Alex

Wholehearted Caleb--A Challenge to Old Men

Joshua 14:7-12
"I was forty years old when Moses the servant of the Lord sent me from Kadesh Barnea to explore the land. And I brought him back a report according to my convictions, but my brothers who went up with me made the hearts of the people melt with fear. I, however, followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly. So on that day Moses swore to me, 'The land on which your feet have walked will be your inheritance and that of your children forever, because you have followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly.' 
 
"Now then, just as the Lord promised, he has kept me alive for forty-five years since the time he said this to Moses, while Israel moved about in the desert. So here I am today, eighty-five years old!  I am still as strong today as the day Moses sent me out; I'm just as vigorous to go out to battle now as I was then. Now give me this hill country that the Lord promised me that day. You yourself heard then that the Anakites were there and their cities were large and fortified, but, the Lord helping me, I will drive them out just as he said." 
 
 
You may have heard on the news today that Japanese mountain climber Yuichiro Miura reached the top of Mt. Everest.  Climbing Mt. Everest is one of those once-in-lifetime bucket list achievements for some people.  This is the third time Miura has done it.  

He's 80.  

​I'd say he's the "Caleb of Mountain Climbers."
 
The word most often used in the Bible to describe Caleb is "wholehearted."  He was always all in for God.  At 40 years old he had been one of the 12 spies to explore the promised land.  He and Joshua were the only two who believed that Israel could go in and possess the land.  It was not until 40 years later, when Caleb was 80, that Israel entered the land and began to conquer the people who lived there.  Caleb spent the next 5 years serving Israel and helping others secure their inheritance.  Not until age 85 did he gain the opportunity to conquer the land that would be his.  
 
The remarkable thing about Caleb was that he desired the land of the Anakites.  The Anakites were big and they had big, well-fortified cities.  They were the ones that made the spies "seem like grasshoppers" in their own eyes (Numbers 13:33).  At age 40 Caleb wanted to take them on.  At age 85 he did it and was victorious!
 
"I'm just as vigorous to go out to battle now as I was then.  Now give me this hill country…."  That sounds a little cocky, but when you're 85 and want to take on the Anakites, cocky is okay.
 
Wholehearted Caleb.  Always faithful.  Always all in.  Never resting on his past achievements.  Never relying on his reputation.  Always ready for another risk that would show off the mighty arm of God.  And always calling others to do the same.
 
When I get old I want to be like Caleb. 
 
Brian
 

No Lonely People

Psalm 25:16

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

 

Psalm 68:5-6

5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling.

6 God sets the lonely in families,

he leads forth the prisoners with singing;

 

 

My heart goes out to lonely people.  It’s ironic that we live on a planet of 6 billion plus individuals and can feel so isolated and cut off.  It’s strange that we can have 1500 “friends” on facebook and all we really share with them is pictures of our food.  

 

I think it is significant that the first thing God said was not good was loneliness—“It is not good for man to be alone”.    I recall a time in my life when loneliness was crippling.  I was a young man in his early 20s and had just moved to Houston, Texas (population 2.75 million) and I didn’t know a soul.  At the time I wasn’t very good at making new friends.  It took several months before I developed a circle of friends and didn’t feel as disconnected. 

 

It is not good for man to be alone because he gets into all kinds of trouble trying to soothe his loneliness in unhealthy ways.  I suspect that a lot of drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, gaming addiction, etc. has its roots in loneliness.  It is in times of loneliness that we become an easy target for the enemy.

 

So what do you do if you struggle with loneliness?  It’s not an easy fix, but here are a few tips.

1.       Ask God for help, comfort and peace.  It was when I was alone that Christ became real as a Friend.

2.       Attend worship and volunteer for something.  This is no time to be sleeping in on Sunday morning.

3.       Join a community group (or four).

4.       Eat well and get plenty of exercise and sleep.  This can keep you from slipping into full blown depression.

5.       Pursue group hobbies—bowling leagues, softball team, cycling group, etc. 

 

And a word of encouragement to those of us who are not lonely—reach out to those who may be struggling with isolation.  Perhaps yours is the family in which God is placing them.

 

 

Brian

 

Why do you Believe?

New Heights Men at New Heights Church Message from: Alex Stuart Hey Men,   In light of some research I am doing at the moment, I would love to get your response to the following questions:   1. What person in your life most influenced the way you view/do life? What makes you say that?   2. What action(s) have you participated in that made you feel like more of a man?   3. What book have you read or movie you watched that you feel like had a huge impact/motivating factor for you as a man?   Ok, survey over. Thanks in advance for your responses.   So the men's retreat is right around the corner (sign up at www.newheightschurch.com) and we are going to be running under the theme of Finding Your Place in the Story.  What the heck does that mean, you ask. Well look around and ask yourself what story am I living in? In other words, what shapes my decisions, actions, words, core beliefs. For instance, if you truly believe that Jesus died for the forgiveness of your sins (among other things) then you shouldn't go around beating yourself up over mistakes you have made in the past. Jesus dying on the cross is part of the story you are living in and it has an effect on your life.   Some may call this your worldview if that helps define this concept for you. I like story because when Jesus came, that's how He decided to interact with mankind. He told stories and asked questions because that's the way to get to the deepest parts of us. Stories hold our attention. They convey more than a plot and a climax. As you identify with the characters of a story, you tend to take on their whole belief system.   So, what's the idea of our place in the story? This is where having a worldview is not enough.  A worldview may define your cognitive belief system, but it does not assign you a part in that system, which is one of the core desires of our lives. We want to belong, to make a difference, to have impact. You will never experience this with out first knowing the story you are living in, and then knowing what your place is in that story.   There are places in the story that are common to all of us as Christian men. We are to offer our strength as it is needed.  Others are to be able to rest in our shade as oaks of righteousness.  We are to lead well as Christ leads us. Then there is the individual place we are to fill and this can be defined as our missions, our assignments from God. Weather you know it or not, God has been working in your life since you were born to mold you, train you for that mission, that assignment. Or assignments! Each assignment strengthens us, trains us for the next one also.   So at the men's retreat, we will break down the story we are living in on Friday night, then on Saturday, in the midst of some great activities, we will take some time to look at your individual story and see where God has been leading you.   Come prepared to spend a couple of hours working and playing outside. Which leads to a prayer request, please go ahead and be praying for some good weather that day.   If any of you have some words of encouragement for other men to attend this retreat, based on your experiences at past retreats, please put those in your response to this email and I will send them out on my next email.   I hope to see you there.   In Christ Alex

A naming ceremony

New Heights Men at New Heights Church Message from: Alex Hedgepeth Hey Guys, Excuse me as I take an email to make a personal announcement that is fairly life-changing to me, but not to you. I hope through the story of this you find some understanding of the power of a name, something I try to communicate on a regular basis. Dec. 16th 1963 Robert Alexander Harris was born to David and Myrna Loy in Jackson MS. David was a lawyer and Myrna was a professional singer. They were also two of the most self-centered people to ever grace this earth. David's self-obsession was women other than his wife and Myrna's was her career. Needless to say there wasn't much room for kids in this equation, so young Harris spent his formative years with his grandfather, Leroy Stuart, on Mr. Stuart's 40 acre farm, surrounded by lots of relatives and friends, living a life that was, to him, heaven on earth.  During those years a foundation of hard work, outdoor fun and a deep belief in God was instilled in this young boy. So much so that years later, many who knew Mr. Stuart would comment on how much he was like him. To the young boy, his grandfather was the upmost in a man. Strong, resolute, loving to everyone, and someone who found joy in the simple things in life. To be compared favorably to such a man was always the highest compliment someone could give him. At age 6 this young boy went to live with his mom and her new husband, now his stepdad. Though a good businessman and someone who lived with a great sense of ethics, the love was missing, to be replaced with a deep-seated anger. After a few years, Myrna decided to sing exclusively in churches and it was decided for the step-dad to adopt this young man and change his last name (wouldn't do, you know, for Christians to think someone had a "past"). Many of his classmates expressed confusion of how this could happen to someone and why in the world would you want to. Well it wasn't so much wanting to as it was had to. Of course, since he never saw his real Dad, and all the stories about him were shameful (and true it was later confirmed), why not. If you haven't figured it out, this young man was me. Yes, I write and speak a lot on identity because it has been on my mind since I was a young boy. So, the reason for this self-indulgent letter to you good men is to announce that I have legally changed my last name. To Stuart.  To the father figure in my life that I drew the most of who I am from. Yes, I have some of my biological father and my step dad in my make-up, but those are the things that I usually have to ask forgiveness for, rather than be glad that I am that way. If I had done this when I left home at 18, it would have been out of spite to my step-dad (and oh, how I wanted to), then, years later, when he and I had a good relationship, I didn't do it out of not wanting to hurt him. Since he died 2 years ago, I feel God leading me to this action at this time. On a deeper sense, I never felt like I was a Harris, nor a Hedgepeth. I was never part of those families because those families weren't close. I know and love scores of Stuart relatives. I connect with that name and have chosen it to be mine and my wife's. Hopefully, my daughters will have another name one day in the near future anyway. That is their story to write. I don't expect everyone to understand, nor to get it right the next time you introduce me to someone. That's ok, I know who I am and for the first time in my life when I introduce myself to someone, it is with a name which reflects who I really am and where I come from. Words cannot express the sense of belonging that come with the expressing of my identity. I haven't done it many times yet, so I notice it every time and stand a little straighter every time also. Oh, that we as Christian men would have that same feeling when we tell someone that we are a son of the King. That our hearts and lives belong to Jesus. Thanks for indulging me this personal letter. Strength for your journey Alex Stuart

What are we all scared of?

What are we all scared of?

New Heights Men at New Heights Church Message from: Alex Hedgepeth Hey Men, I just read an email about how a famous hymn got written. A man was supposed to leave Chicago and go perform at a revival in St. Louis. His wife was in bed with the birth of their first child close at hand. He said he didn't want to go but a lot of people were expecting him. So he headed out. A few miles down the road, he remembers his music case back at home so he goes back and has another internal struggle, really feeling deep down he shouldn't leave. He does anyway and the next night, after the crowd begged him to sing more and more, he sits down and receives a telegram from Western Union stating that his wife and infant son had died. The email goes on to talk about how he wrote a great hymn out of his grief. How God was there to sustain him in his dark time. It also points out that he knew that God was there to tell him to stay home with his wife. And that is what really ticks me off about this story. He walked out on what God was telling him in his heart to do and not do, and his family suffers for it.  I love the fact that God was with this guy before and after his disobedience (sorry, there's just not another word for it) but the fact remains, this guy let the crowd's possible reaction get in the way of what God wanted him to do for his family. It's called fear of man. Fear of what others will think of you. Jesus talks about this in John 12, talking about religious leaders who believed Jesus, but would not go public because of their fear of losing their "position". Fear of Man, fear of others, of public opinion. The list of really great things this has kept us from doing is probably the longest list in the world.   This might be the biggest difference in the sin management camp and the follow Jesus camp. Sin management uses pressure to conform. Jesus says, follow me. Over to where life is worth living. I love the times in scripture where God is a still small voice, because to hear that voice, you can't be listening to something louder. To get out of step with the crowd like this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0u3_tPo2y7k it's got to be one of the most freeing experiences God has for us.   Fear is not an easy foe to conquer, but it can be done. One road to get there starts Tuesday morning at 6am at the student center and winds around to the first weekend in march. It's a great journey, and the best part is that it never ends. Let me know if you haven't already if you want to be a part of this.   In Christ Alex

The Surpassing Greatness of Knowing Christ

John 12:25
The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
 
Mark 8:34-35
Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
 
Philippians 3:8-11
…I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ — the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
 
 
Confession:  I love my life. 
 
I love my wife, our great kids, my job, our church, our home, this beautiful place we live in, my chickens, my garden, my bees, my bike, our steady and generous incomes, our good health.  We’re surrounded by friends we love and who love us.  I love it all!  Love it, love it, love it!  I consider all these things as gifts from the good hand of God.  He has poured out his favor on my family.  He has been so generous and kind to me.  Things are truly “better than I deserve.”  I know I could lose any or all of it in a moment, and that makes me all the more grateful.
 
But the verses above remind me that I’m in dangerous territory.  I have been tempted to love the gifts more than the Giver.  I have delighted in things that are passing away and have been distracted from the greatest Treasure of all—knowing and loving Jesus.  I have often given my heart to things of lesser value. 

The Lord is teaching me that it’s hard to hold onto him when my arms are full of the gifts he has given me.   They are good things, but compared to knowing him and loving him better, they are rubbish. 
 
My home--rubbish!
My hobbies--rubbish!
My health--rubbish!
My work—rubbish!
My stuff—rubbish!
My security—rubbish!
 
My family and friend relationships—it hurts me to say it, but it’s true—compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, it’s all rubbish.
 
May the Lord teach us to love only him and to lay down even his gifts in order to embrace him more fully.
 
Now where did I put that cross?
 
 
Brian

Overcoming Sexual Brokenness

Overcoming Sexual Brokenness

 

Hardly a week goes by that I don’t talk to someone about their struggles with pornography.  Porn continues to feed a pandemic of immorality and sexual brokenness.  Sometimes it can be discouraging to think about how many men are affected by this.  Men who otherwise have a fairly high level of spiritual passion and moral integrity are taken out by internet porn.  Its ease of access has made this spiritual poison hard to resist.  Consequently a lot of men have sustained deep relational and spiritual wounds that affect their marriages, their relationships with women in general, and their relationship with Christ.  They’ve traded in relational intimacy for fantasy sex.

 

Usually lust is not the only thing that drives a man to porn.  Loneliness, idleness, depression, stress, anger—any of these can be temporarily soothed by the emotional narcotic of porn.  But like medicating with alcohol it creates more problems than it solves. 

 

As with every sin there is a way out and it is possible to gain victory.

 

One ministry that we have that is especially effective in helping men overcome sexual brokenness is More than Conquerors.  In a More than Conquerors group men are led week by week, step by step out of the maze of fear, hurt and shame into a healed, overcoming, “More-Than-Conqueror” lifestyle.

 

Testimonies of Guys who are currently in a More than Conquerors group:

 

I have never had a group provide such a tactile representation of God's grace than More Than Conquerors. Fear almost overwhelmed me when I was considering joining. I didn't want to get hurt by a church group again. These men have provided such an outpouring of love, grace and acceptance such that I have never known. By addressing the heart of the addictive cycle in a loving and condemnation-free way, More Than Conquerors has opened my heart to allow God to truly begin the restoration process.

 

This group is truly a testimony to how much God loves his children. I always thought the goal was to stop looking at porn, but God wants all of my heart. Through this group and the grace of God, he has been unveiling a web of lies, shame, guilt, condemnation, and strongholds in my heart and life. I had no idea there was this much healing or freedom to be had. Through this group God will truly transform you from one degree of glory to another.  Bible study and fellowship are great but this group is all about setting people free."

 

After years of trying to achieve sexual purity by my own will power, the group helped me see that by His grace, God wants me to follow His will but do it by His power with the help of a group of guys I can trust.

 

 

We are planning  to start a new More than Conquerors group on Tuesday evenings at The Warehouse.

 

More than Conquerors is a high-commitment group.  Plan for 2 ½ hours every week for nine months with homework.  Obviously, this is only for guys who are serious about freedom.

 

If you could use support and healing in this area of your life, please pray about attending.

Contact Tim Crowell at timcrowell@ymail.com for more info.

 

 

Brian

 

Saving Boys

For some time I’ve been burdened about the spiritual, emotional, intellectual and social condition of boys and young men.  We’re losing them.

 

Philip Zimbardo and Nikita Duncan have written a book entitled “The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling And What We Can Do About It” in which they present some absolutely startling research: 

·         In 2011, young men’s SAT scores were the worst they had been in 40 years.

·         Even Hollywood has caught on: films like Failure to Launch, Knocked Up and Jackass mock the ineptitude of this generation.

·         Boys account for 70 percent of D’s and F’s given at school.

·         Research shows guys aren’t interested in being husbands, fathers or the head of the household.

·         Boys are four to five times more likely than girls to have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. Two-thirds of students in special education programs are guys.

·         The average boy spends 13 hours a week playing video games. The average girl spends 5. The average young American will spend 10,000 hours playing video games by age 21. That’s twice the time it takes to earn a bachelor’s degree.

·         The average high school boy spends two hours watching porn every week. Men can’t escape porn: 13,500 full-length commercial porn films were released in 2011, compared with 600 Hollywood films.

·         Researchers claim that internet pornography is hurting young boys’ ability to form meaningful romantic relationships because they objectify their partner.

·         It’s predicted that 60 percent of bachelor’s degrees will go to women by 2016.

 

What shall we do?  Solutions will not easy because the problem is endemic to our society.  It is “who we are” as a society.  Here are a few things that come to mind that can make a difference.

 

·         Pray—without the intervention of God we’re sunk.

·         Pray with boys—boys and young men need to hear older men talking to God on their behalf.  It demonstrates to them that we care and we value them.

·         Minimize or eliminate computer, phone, and electronic gaming.

·         Teach boys to read—a generation of illiterates will never be able to lead.

·         Teach boys to work hard—I’m not sure how to do it, I just know it needs to be done.  Be sure their work is meaningful and making a significant contribution to others. 

·         Put the man back in manners—boys need training in how to look people in the eye, engage in conversation and respect others--especially girls and women. 

·         If your son is spiritually healthy encourage him to reach out to boys who are not.  Often the only people who have access to at-risk boys are their peers.

 

Brian

 

 

Ode to Uncle Joey

New Heights Men at New Heights Church
Message from: Alex Stuart

Hey Guys

My Uncle Joey died this morning. He was not really my Uncle by blood, but one of those guys that you grow so close to that you become family. Calling Uncle Joey a character would be like saying the SEC has had some decent football teams in recent years.

Our initial connection was duck hunting. I am a recovered Duckaholic and Uncle Joey helped feed my addiction in those years that I was under its influence.

One spiritual thing I learned during those years was that when you love something enough and are enthusiastic enough about it, other men want to join you. When I would repeat Uncle Joey and Cousin Robert and Mitch duck hunting stories, men would invariably tell me that they wanted to go with me next year.

Oh the stories. If you hunted with Uncle Joey, each trip was much more than getting a limit. It was a test of your manhood, your resources and how thick your skin was. Five beaver dams and innumerable stumps to get to the hole? Not even enough of a problem to register on the think about it meter. And oh my goodness, never, never admit physical discomfort. Uncle Joey could think of so many ways to ridicule a man who whined about physical discomfort that you just learned to suck it up and go.
No subject in your personal life was off limits either. Not making the grade at home or work, don’t worry, it will be discussed on the next duck hunt with improvement expected.

For all of his hard exterior, there was a noticeable soft side to Uncle Joey also. Like the time he saw some people driving a covered wagon pulled by mules down the shoulder of the 4 lane. Uncle Joey stopped and engaged them in a conversation that resulted in the mules and their owners spending two weeks camped out at Uncle Joey’s house. Or the fact if you didn’t call him or spend some time with him on a regular basis, he would act like he had forgotten your name the next time you did; just to show you his feelings were hurt.

For Uncle Joey, doing the right thing, especially by and with family, was not an option. I remember when his mom was dying, Uncle Joey had just retired from the Guard and was getting a bulldozer business going. He spent weeks sitting with his mom and watched the entire OJ Simpson trial in the process. He talked about that stupid trial until we thought we were going to have to tape his mouth shut. He could find more ways to make something fun than anyone else I have ever known. Always his first step was to not complain about the situation he was in. His attitude was you just do what you have to do and find something to enjoy about it at the time.

My wish for each of you men is that you get to experience a friend like Uncle Joey. Someone who pulls no punches when they don’t need to be pulled. Someone who challenges your manhood on a regular basis. Someone that you know loves you despite your obvious failings. Better yet, I hope and pray that you can be an Uncle Joey to other men. Lord knows we need some more of that.
Your Brother
Alex